Wondering & Pondering

I just figured out why I'm completely exhausted.

2009-06-21T04:20:00.003-06:00

So, it's four thirty in the morning. And I'm still awake. See, you're thinking, "Why isn't she asleep? She can't possibly have something to do at four thirty in the morning." Well. You're right. I don't. All I do at four o'clock in the morning is play Neopets for hours, and see how many Neopoints I can get in the next six hours. Has it ever happened to you where you go online just to check your Facebook, and the next thing you know, you've been on Wikipedia, IMDB, Wordpress, Blogspot, Youtube, Facebook, and perhaps even Neopets if I'm not alone on that one, (I think I am, though) for around seven hours? Yeah, well, it happens to me. Every night.
A normal night on the internet looks something like this for me.

1. Check blog. - 10 minutes
a) Look at poll.
b) Look for comments.
c) Read-over posts.

2. Nexopia. - 3 minutes
a) Check messages. Empty.
b) Read new friend's blog entries. Three in total.

3. Facebook. - 30 minutes
a) Look at people online on Facebook chat.
b) Check inbox.
c) Check Honesty Box.
d) Check updates.

4. Twitter - 15 minutes
a) Update.
b) Read @the_bushman's +1000000 tweets.
c) Update about the_bushman's tweets.
d) Accept new followers.
e) Search #yzf for new people to follow.

5. NWT Blogs. - 60 minutes
a) Check Amy's blog.
b) Check Megan's blog.
c) Check Natalie's blog.
d) Check Jason's blog.
e) Check YK online.
*Twitter Update* - 2 minutes

6. Slap Upside The Head - 25 minutes
a) Cry if Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, or Sunday.
b) Read if Monday, Wednesday or Friday.
c) Read Guestbook.
d) Read archive.
*Twitter Update* - 2 minutes

7. F*** My Life - 60 minutes
a) Read.
b) Laugh.
c) Read.
d) Laugh.

8. Play Neopets. - 120 minutes
a) Check frealityy account.
b) Check shop.
c) Check stocks.
d) Play games.
*Twitter Update* - 2 minutes
e) Check papertoybox29 account.
f) Check shop.
g) Check stocks.
h) Play games.
*Twitter Update* - 2 minutes
9. Facebook. - 30 minutes
a) Facebook chat.
b) Look at pictures.

10. Blog. - 30 minutes
a) Check poll.
b) Think.
c) Think.
d) Post.
e) Be awesome.
*Twitter Update* - 2 minutes

11. Zero Out of Five - 30 minutes
a) LOL.
b) LOL.

12. Photoshop Elements 7.0 - 30 minutes
a) Find texture.
b) Find LOLtastic photo of me.
c) LOL.
d) Write.
e) Post.

13. Twitter - 30 minutes
a) Read @frealityy's.
b) Update.
c) Update.
d) Update.

14. Wordpress. - 7 minutes
a) Get frustrated.
b) Try.
c) Give up.
*Twitter Update* - 5 minutes

Know what the total is there? Almost eight hours. EIGHT. God. I'm pathetic. I can't believe I just took the time out to tell you that. I'm really sorry. I'm so tired, I can barely even think right now. I'm trying to go to sleep, but I can't.
It almost feels like no use, y'know? I mean, I'm waking up in three hours anyways. Why not just stay up? But then, I remember, I have to work tomorrow.
FML.

So, it seems:

2009-06-15T17:03:00.002-06:00

According to my recent blog post, my nickname should either be Badass Jax, or frealityy. Personally, I enjoy sticking with frealityy, but that's just me. It reminds me of my childhood, and of my lovely friends who know me by that name. My childhood was always filled with days on Nexopia, and blog posts about how much I like a certain somebody. It filled my days with smiles, and LOLs, and sharing of hilarious quotes that had been said between friends. There are so many friends who still call me frealityy to this day. One of whom includes my good ol' friend who just happens to be one of my bosses as well. He seems to mock people using their names as ammo, and it just so happens that whenever Jacqueline does something powerful, or sometimes even, pathetic, you can hear him mutter: "Frealityy". If there was a picture of how he said it, you'd most likely see smoke around the lettering, with the last few letters disappearing onto the page.
The point here is, is that no matter what you call me, it will mean something special in the end. If it's something rude, then it will mean that you're being rude, and that you should quit talking all together. And if you ask me? That's special enough. If it's something nice, however, it will forever remind me of the friendship we've shared.
If you can't think of a name to call me, you can call me Awesome.
That's just fine.

Lucky

2009-06-12T23:38:00.004-06:00

You know those times in a person's life, where everything just feels right? I mean, hey, I'm not lucky enough to be feeling like that, but I almost see it coming. It's really nice. I'm not sure what is coming, and how it's going to get here, but I can just feel it. It's almost like everything is completely getting better. I'm leaving town for a bit, and I'm going to learn something new. There's only one more year until high school's done, and I really feel like I'm in the right place with all my friends and stuff. I'm meeting tons of new people really quickly, and all of them seem to love me. (Which, let's face it, makes sense.)
Even though I'm saying all this, stuff keeps going wrong, but the great thing about all of it is that something might go wrong, but then something will go right as soon as it possibly can. Which is amazing in so many ways. For instance, this girl I really had feelings for, like, really bad, well, stuff didn't really turn out the way I wanted to. But even though that happened, I made all of these friendships that are making me happier than any relationship I could ever have.
It's odd, I think. How even the bad turns into the good? I've never really realized how lucky I am.

I'm scared now.

2009-06-07T23:26:00.003-06:00

I'm really scared of how my blog will be taken. I mean, I don't want people to think that my views, or opinions are offensive in any way, because that's now how I mean them at all. I want everybody to realize that my blog, is mine. It's my opinions, and my ideas, and my feelings. It's not what I want. I don't want people to tell me that they're upset with something I've said, or are hurt with something I've written. I'm all up for hearing that, but it's not something I'm intending to do.
My blog, is like a diary, that I have just allowed people to look at it. It's something for me, but something that I'm okay with other people to look at. It's really trust that I'm giving my readers. I'm trusting them with my life. I'm trusting that they'll understand it, and try to be okay with it. Everything I say is mine, and nobody else's. It's not my parents, it's not my coworkers, it's not my friends, it's just me.
By putting this all on the interwebs for everybody to look at, I'm trusting you. And I think that's beautiful. I just don't want anybody abusing that trust. It's a gift I'm giving to you. I'm allowing you to feel my feelings, and know my opinions. That's something that not everybody is willing to give.

All I ask from you, is that you know that I'd never say anything to purposefully hurt you. And I thank all of you for ever worrying about me, but you really don't need to, because I'm okay. As long as I have my blog, I'm okay. So, please, don't make me feel like I need to take that away.

More internet, less ANGRY

2009-05-30T21:15:00.003-06:00

I noticed that my "I hate life" posts haven't been increasing nearly as fast as they used to. I'm not sure why this is, although, I'm almost definite that it's because I've started blogging more, and spending less time with people who stress me out. That's odd though, because I only ever spend time with my BFF and my family. Maybe they stress me out?
Or perhaps, I tell myself, it's because I'm spending more time with a certain someone who seems to have the ability of making me happier. Not only is she ridiculously beautiful, but being friends with her has made me 100 times less likely to want to punch a hole in the wall every time I hear my Career and Life Management teacher talk.
Perhaps all this blogging really is the answer to my prayers, and spending time on Twitter (@frealityy btw) is really actually productive in the way that it makes me less likely to commit murder of my CALM teacher (mentioned previously). Man, it seems like I mention that guy way too much. I think he deserves his own post, although, I'd hate to really insult him, considering he's probably a decent guy even if I hate the way he teaches.

My BFFx2

2009-05-29T10:33:00.004-06:00

I let everybody know the other day, that I'd post a little about my best friend. I think she'd be really excited that I was doing this. You know those people that you've known for practically your whole life? She's one of those. I barely know what to do when I'm without her. We're constantly out and about with our crazy shenanigans impressing everybody with our non-stop awesomeness. We've done some pretty cool stuff over the years.
Like our good ol' videos, JAC-ATTACK, which we made with our mutual BFF. These basically entailed me attacking her in situations that she didn't see them coming. We only made three of them. One of them, I attacked her, and then, ended up hurting my hand. Another, in the midst of math class, she was doing her work at her desk, and I ended up attacking her, thus pushing her off of her chair. And, the third, I attempted to attack her in the hallway, but she ended up pushing me down. These were just parts of our crazy shenanigans I mentioned earlier.
We've also taken part in some pretty odd conversations:

BFF: One time, I had to buy a whole new pack of markers because my pink one went missing.
Jacqueline: Wouldn't it be cool if it was a whole pack of different shades of pink?
BFF: YEAH!
Jacqueline: And they were shaped like unicorns!
BFF: YEAH!
Jacqueline: I was kidding.
BFF: Oh. ... ... But okay, that'd be cute!

That just explains a little bit about her. Her likes include: pink, unicorns, puppies, castles, and princesses. She's basically a four year-old in a sixteen year-old's body. Know what's probably the best part about all this?

She listens to gangster rap. And likes it.

My BFF.

2009-05-28T13:59:00.000-06:00

I've decided to let everybody know a little bit about my BFF. She's pretty lame. HA! No. I'm kidding, but she's sitting beside me in chemistry, so she's probably reading what I'm writing. So, I can't actually do it right now, because if I'm brutally honest, she'll get mad.

Now. I know she's reading. Because I just heard her laugh/cry when I wrote "brutally honest, she'll get mad." So. I'll let you guys know later.

Things I wish I had

2009-05-26T14:28:00.007-06:00

Earlier, as I was tweeting with @TaylorCheese, I mentioned that I was jealous that he had an alliteration name. For those who don't know, an alliteration is when there are consecutive words that start with the same letter & sound, like, for example: Taylor Thomas. Well, imagine my surprise when I realize that there are many things in life, other than an alliteration name, that I don't have, but want:

1. a sweet nickname
Seriously. This is bullshit. I don't have any cool nicknames. The only nicknames I've ever really had before are Jackson, and Jac-attack. And very few people ever call me Jac-attack. I want something gangsta, that makes people think that I'm like, a gang-fighter or something. You know. Like, I want people to hear it and be like, "Ouhhh. *insert Jacqueline's sweet nickname here*. I don't want to say anything bad about her. She could kick my butt." That, my friend, would be fricken' sweet.

2. a little brother
I want a little brother. It sucks being the youngest kid in the family. I get everything last, and my parents are so scared that I'm not going to be as good as my sister, so they like, super-don't-allow-me-to-do-cool-things. I want a little brother, so I can teach him how to pick up chicks, and dress all sweet. I want to be around all of his friends, and tell them not to be stupid and rude. My little brother would be so fricken' badass. (Excuse my language.) Every chick in his class would want down his pants. Unless of course, he was gay. Which would be even cooler, 'cause let's face it. Gay people are way cooler than straight people.

3. an awesome scar
You know when you see some kid walking down the street, and you can just tell that he has a sweet scar somewhere? Yeah. Well, I've heard that I send out that vibe quite regularly, but I don't have a scar, and I hate the fact that I'm letting all these people down. It's just plain rude, if you ask me. Personally, I think that I should have a scar. From a bar-fight, or something. Even though I'm not able to get into bars, that's probably what I'd say if somebody asked me where I got my sweet scar. I'd say, "I got shanked. At a bar. During a fight. At a bar. It was sweet. And at a bar." I think it'd be important that I stress that it would be at a bar. A really sketchy bar. Just so I sound even more badass.

P.S. I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE TERRIBLE LANGUAGE. I feel like it's necessary to get the point across how cool I'd be if I had all that stuff.

Parents

2009-05-26T00:20:00.002-06:00

I read something tonight. I'm not going to say what, because it involves some people who I know, may read my blog. It's not bad, I'd just rather not discuss it over the interwebs. For some reason, I'm scared that if a certain somebody found out who my parents were, they wouldn't like me for some particular reason. But see, this is stupid because I get the vibe from this person that they would never dislike somebody based on something like that. Honestly, it's like, my parents were against something that was being done by this person, and I was like, 95% against it as well, probably just the concept of monkey-see, monkey-do. I'm not calling myself a monkey, however. But anyways, now that I've read this thing that I read tonight. I'm like, 10% against it. Probably not even. Like, a part of me is completely neutral on the whole thing.
Perhaps I'm more scared of my parents telling me not to spend any time, or talk to this person at all. I think that's more likely. And although my parents would never, ever do something like that, it's still a fear I have. Sort of like how a person is scared of a giant spider eating them whole, even though they know that that would never happen. But there's still a chance. I don't know. That metaphor was bad. But whatever, I'm a teenager. God. I'm probably just being melodramatic.
Point is, I realized how much my opinion can change just by creating a personal relationship with the opponent, without realizing who the opponent is.
I thank God for things like this.

Sometimes, posting is all I have.

2009-05-24T12:43:00.002-06:00

Emo! Right? Not exactly. See, days go by without me posting, and that just kills me, because if I do have any readers, and they are looking forward to me posting, perhaps similar to how I look forward to Frank posting on his PostSecret, then, I've just let them down. And not only that, but I post for myself, y'know? Like, if I'm having a bad day, I'll write for myself. And if I'm having a good day, I'll write for myself. It has nothing to do with what I think will help people, or how I want to make a difference in the world. It's solely for me. And I hope that other people realize that, and don't try to destroy the interweb with shitblogs they hate, but think that other people like.
Truth is, I post everyday. Perhaps not here, but somewhere. I have a total of five blogs. Two of them are known publicly. One of them is known with a short list of friends, perhaps if you get close enough, I'll show you the URL. One of them is long forgotten. And one of them, is known by nobody. At least, nobody I've told. Perhaps you've stumbled along it, and been interested. Good luck finding it, because if you do, you'll learn quite a few of my secrets.
Posting doesn't only help me express myself, but it gives me something to look back on, after I've had a bad day. I'll blog about it, and a month later, I look back on it and think that maybe I shouldn't have done what I had. All of this posting nonsense isn't for anybody but me. And I hope that while you read my posts, you keep in mind of that when, and if you don't agree with something I've written. My posts, they aren't for you. They're for me.

Silly school, Facebook's for kids!

2009-05-19T13:06:00.005-06:00

I recently decided that this whole Facebook not being blocked at school was pretty silly, considering that Nexopia.com, a popular social networking website used by teenagers, is blocked. I'm not sure why they've decided that Facebook does not go against the Internet Usage Guidelines when there are applications downloadable that have something to do with drugs, sex, or alcohol. There are also pictures of teenagers doing drugs, or drinking alcohol, whereas on Nexopia.com, my favourite social networking website, the photos are being monitored daily for large amounts of drugs, or obvious underage drinking.
Now, Nexopia isn't really that popular anymore with us kids, but personally, I like it. It has articles, blogs, polls, contests, forums, and a ridiculously simple profile page to edit. It bothers me that my school has decided to put a halt on my creativity and stop me from reading poetry, and opinions from other teenagers around the world. I get that on Nexopia, there are kids who aren't really doing what they should be doing, and that some conversations take place in the forums that teachers probably wouldn't enjoy seeing, but nonetheless, why are teenagers free to roam around the corners of Facebook, but not other websites we enjoy? Is it perhaps because teachers don't want to be limited to only their e-mail to communicate with people they love?

I think it's stupid. But hey, that's school for you. They've always hated us. PFT.

So happy.

2009-05-16T20:33:00.003-06:00

Have you ever been so happy with yourself, and like, the shit that's going on around you, that you don't even really know why you're so happy? And then, people around you are all, "Why are you so happy?" and you're just like, "I don't know." And then, they assume you've gotten laid or something. Well, I haven't gotten laid. And I am happy. And I have no idea why.
I think it's funny that I'm like, the opposite of emo right now. I'm obviously going to write about things that a teenage girl would write about, because I'm a teenage girl. But sometimes, I surprise myself at how un-teenage girl-y I can be. Like, you can take practically the whole first paragraph of that, replace the word "happy" with the word "sad", and but a "never" in between "you've" and "gotten laid", and that, my friend, would be a real teenage girl post. You might have to add in a few, "I'm so fat and ugly!" lines to really get the full effect, but I'm sure you get what I mean.
So, anyways, I'm really happy right now. And I have no idea why. But I'm going to tell you, it's fucking great. A big, ol' tray of McDonald's couldn't make me any happier.

Well. At least not a significant amount.

All About Me

2009-05-10T20:15:00.005-06:00

So. I've recently realized that nobody really knows me. I mean, hell, have I ever even discussed my life at all? Nope. You are right. I haven't. I'm assuming that because of the language used, you all have probably guessed that I'm a teenager. What's quite obnoxious though, is that nobody my age really understands the whole point of blogs. I discovered them quite a while ago. Grade seven. Ah. That was a wonderful time! That was about four years ago. I was a wee-little kiddie. I'd love to go back. Now though, I'm just stuck in high school, around all these stubborn, ignorant children who don't even know the meaning of the word "blog". Somebody once asked me what the point of them was. I look at them, with utter disbelief, and said, "A form of expression. Art. Stupid."
She was not very happy with my response.
But hell, it doesn't even matter because she didn't even know what a fricken' blog was. As a kid, I met the whole internet community thing way too early. By age ten, I already had my own website. I guess though, back then, I didn't really have friends. I began using words like, LOL, and OMG in regular conversation and realized that I should probably quit pretty fast, or else my life was doomed. And I did. Quit, that is.
I quit cold-turkey. Which is better than any of those smokers could say. I've never smoked, but personally, I think quitting internet communities is a lot harder than quitting smoking. Considering the fact that I've relapsed about nine times. This is my ninth. I'm on Facebook, Twitter and on the old-school, teenager abused, good ol' Nexopia. Three times on that one. It's pretty embarrassing, really. I try not to talk about it. It's difficult though, because every single thing that comes out of my mouth starts with: "So, I posted on my [insert internet community here]...". It's actually pretty bad.
I'm pretty cool that way though.
I have four blogs actually. Many of them unknown to mankind. I like to keep it that way. I worked at a graphic design place trying to really learn something new, but got laid off a week later. It sucked. So now, I just work at Shoppers, and The Capitol Theatre in good ol' Yellowknife. I guess, in a way, it's a good thing I have two jobs. It gives me something to do other than sitting in front of my computer, typing nonsense. Oh-wait. I still do that.
I'm still gangsta though.
Ask anybody.
Including me.

Influencial people

2009-04-28T23:28:00.002-06:00

So, the other day, I was reading this book. I actually just finished it. It's called Fruit. It's about this young kid, around grade eight, who's nipples' start talking to him. It sounds totally stupid now, but if you had read it. You'd be so amazed. The fact that this author can create a ridiculous, stubborn, bizarre character but still have his readers love that character is enough to wonder about.
What I love most though, is that, I picked it up, not even knowing that it was a YAY FOR GAY book. God. I love those. It's just like a nice little surprise in the middle of the book. "Oh. Sweet. He's gay. Awesome." That's exactly what it's like. And I love that about this book. If only more books were like that.
So, anyways, this kid's nipples taunt him because I think he might be a little crazy. He's really overweight, and one day, he notices that his nipples are swollen, and look like little cherries. He tapes them down out of embarrassment so that nobody at school will see them through his shirt. His nipples start telling him that they're the reason he doesn't have friends. And they're what's getting in the way of him being popular. It's odd, because even though it sounds like the most ridiculous thing in the world. You've got to wonder about those people out there who always try to influence the choices you make, and the opinions you have. Really though, if you just stepped back from the situation and observed the things they did to try to influence you, I think you'd be as surprised and stunned just the same as if you had read this book.
It's amazing how books can clear things up like this, isn't it?

What's the big deal?

2009-04-05T01:29:00.003-06:00

When something's really bothering me, I tend to keep it on the D.L. until I really find it necessary to tell people about it. This backfired on me today. And it sucked. I just don't understand how things build up, y'know? Like, if something's really bothering me, I don't understand why if I don't talk about them they just build and build, and then I flip out for no reason. It seems like I'm overreacting when really, I'm just giving you every blow right away. It's like, when you record your favourite show during the week on Tivo, but you don't have time to watch it everyday, so you wait until Sunday. After watching your fourth episode, people tell you that you watch it too much. It's not that you watch it too much, it's just that you haven't watched it in so long, that you have to get such a big dose of it.
That's what it's like, and I get that. I just don't get how it does though. I don't understand how if something is bothering you, that you can just keep it in. Isn't it human nature to talk? I thought it was. Maybe that's wrong. LOL. Probably. Anyways, point is. I understand why you have to burst, and I understand it when people do burst, but I don't understand how they burst.
Y'know?

Everything won't be okay

2009-03-30T23:48:00.004-06:00

Has it ever happened, that you really believe you want something, like, you seriously know that if it would happen, you'd be so happy? But then, it does happen. And you're like, "Oh. That's not how I wanted it." Yeah. Well, story of my life right now. I really believed that I wanted this, but now that I've gotten it, only one part of me wants it. The other part wants everything to be about me, and nothing to do with anybody else. The other part wants others to feel horrible, and upset, but I feel wonderful. Well. I guess that's just not how it is, eh? Goodness. Life sucks, doesn't it?
Everybody always says everything will be okay. Hell, I say that from time to time, but honestly, everything won't ever be okay. You'll never be happy with what you have, and you'll never be content with who you are. Neither will I. There will never be a point in my life, my teenage years especially, where I'm 100% content with who I am, and what I have, and who I'm with. And even though I've realized that, I'm still not very good at getting over myself.

Life is full of surprises.

2009-03-07T13:08:00.005-07:00

I thought I was so madly in love that nothing could make me change. Nothing could make me no longer want to be with him. But guess what? It did. Life's so weird that way. I mean, you think that you're SO happy, but then, you sort of look at everything from a little ways away, and you realize, "Wow. I think I'd be way happier in a different sort of lifestyle." I always thought that I wanted somebody, one person, to take care of me, and to treat me like a princess. And when I thought I had that, it turns out that I was taking care of them, and I wasn't being treated like a princess at all. It's like, you think that this terrific thing is happening, but when you actually look at it, you realize that the complete opposite is happening but you were just being clouded by something. For me, it was love.
Love had always been something I wished I could find. And I found it. And it's amazing. I mean, the feeling of love. Being in love with somebody, and what came of it, was absolutely horrible. But knowing that I found that one person who I cared for more than anybody else was incredible. I always thought that being in love would make me want to be with them forever. But I realized that love doesn't necessarily mean that you belong with somebody. It just means that you love them.
I always wanted to do whatever made him happy, but because I was always trying to please him, I forgot to make myself happy. He wasn't making me happy, even though I loved him, and so, when I finally realized that. I started trying to break it off. But it was so hard! I had been with him for more than a year. And I'm in love with him. But when I finally did it, as much as I still miss him, I knew that it was for the best.
"Surprise!" screamed Life.

It's amazing, ain't it?

2009-02-23T00:20:00.003-07:00

Isn't it amazing how you stop talking to somebody because they've been completely ignoring you for months, and so, you start hating them completely because you feel like they've just totally abandoned you, but then, you finally talk to them about how much you hate them, and all of a sudden, you love them again? I think that's called unconditional love, baby. Unconditional love. And I'm full of it.
It's ridiculous. I mean, you've been living your life without this person for months now, almost a year, and shit's going so great for you, like, unbelievably great. You're actually glad you're done with that person. It's like, "Whatever. We aren't friends anymore. That's cool." And then, BOOM! you talk to them once in months and you feel like you can't even remember life without them. It makes you so happy to finally say hello, and to finally hear that they care about you still.
Ain't it amazing? How four little words can make everything seem a hundred times better?
"I miss you too."

Life. Go away.

2008-12-21T00:29:00.005-07:00

No joke. Seriously. I'm SO sick of life constantly shitting on me. I've done nothing wrong, at least, I don't think I have. Yet, constantly, I want to just curl up in my bed, and stay there forever. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Absolutely, positively nothing. And I'm not sure if it's because of the weather like everybody seems to think it is, but I'm always sad. Randomly, in the middle of the day, I'll start crying, and when I start, I can't stop. That's what the worst thing about all this is, is that it won't go away. I've had this happen before, but not for so long, it's been weeks now.
K. I lied. The worst thing about all this is the stuff I say to people. I say the meanest things. Things, that, when I look back on them, I don't even know why I said them. I hate myself for things that I said. I'll say things bother me, but when I look back on it, I feel like I wouldn't, but then, when and if it happens again, it bothers me. It's weird. Confusing. Hard to explain. But all I wonder nowadays is if I'll ever have myself back.

Irritable

2008-12-09T00:39:00.006-07:00

Do you know what it's like to just be sitting around, doing nothing, and nobody really says anything, or does anything, but all of a sudden, you burst out in tears? I do. Goodness sakes, this feeling won't go away. Nobody will really do anything specifically but things that never used to bother me just drive me insane now, and all I can think about whenever something's irritating me is how awesome it'd be to take their head and bash it into the wall. What's worse, is that the dumbest things irritate me. Like, the sound of somebody's voice, or when a person just says their own opinion. Or somebody being friends with somebody I don't like. And, I just can't hold my temper. I can't help myself from getting upset, and yelling at people. Outrageously. I don't even know when these outbursts come, they just come randomly. And I absolutely, positively, hate it. Goodness sakes. Go to hell, honestly.

Finally, Life's Diarrhea Has Disappeared

2008-10-05T02:39:00.004-06:00

Okay. So, if you had asked me a year ago if I'd ever fall in love. I totally would've said not for a very long time. I mean, there I am, a teenager, I was one of those teenage girls who actually isn't naive enough to think that love comes with two dates to the movies, and a varsity jacket. Not that we have those or anything at my high school. It's not like I believe that now. But I find it odd, that stuff that happens to me, the stuff that's truly amazing, I never expected. I wasn't optimistic enough to believe that love would come my way in high school years. I assumed I'd meet a couple cool people, and we'd date, but they'd all come to an end like all my previous semi-relationships went. But no, that wasn't the case, because I rule.
If you had asked me a year ago, I wouldn't told you you were crazy. I didn't find myself to be the type of person who could do anything of that sort. If you had asked me a year ago if I would've quit my job, I would've told you to stop bullshitting. There are so many things, that have happened recently, I just never thought would ever happen. It's incredible. I love it.
Life rules. All. I'm glad it's shit is now non-existent. Awesome.

My Life Should Go Away

2008-09-22T00:33:00.008-06:00

No joke. It's all, "Hey, I'm life. I'm not leaving you alone. Hey. I'm your life. Go ahead and let me shit on you." Do you think that somebody plans all this ahead of time? Like, "Hey, considering that she's had such a fun time lately, let's just let her life screw her over so she realizes that the world isn't such a happy place." Do you think that life ever acts a little empathetic and just cuts you some slack? I don't. Life sucks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be all cut my wrists, black my eyes about this, I'm just saying that I'd rather shit be going my way.
I don't even really understand why I want life to just leave me alone. I just know that no matter how good my day is going, something won't leave me alone. It's that little thing in my head that's just shouting at me to make it go away, without even telling me what it is. Like, lbksnofex, y'know? Just. Ergh. I always wonder if shit will ever stop being so gosh darn confusing, and if I'll ever grow out of adolescence. Blah.
Call me selfish, but my life should just leave me alone.

Thanks For The Help, Time.

2008-09-03T01:14:00.005-06:00

No matter how long ago it happened, it won't get out of my head. I hate it when things do that. Do you think they're just meant to stay there? Do you think that those things happen, specifically to just, piss you off for the rest of your life? Because, honestly, I don't think I'll ever forget these things. It could be something I did, it could be something somebody did to me, it could be something I saw. And the thing is, is that, it's so small, and insignificant. I'm not complaining about things like your parents getting shot staying stuck in your head. I'm talking about a small comment somebody made about your shoes last week, or about how you saw that dead frog out on the pond.
These things are so dumb, and unimportant. They don't affect our lives even at all, yet, sometimes, time just doesn't cure your thoughts. They won't go away, and frankly, that's just stupid.

Gone Away

2008-08-14T11:43:00.004-06:00

I find it odd how much you miss somebody when they leave for a short vacation. I mean, you barely speak to them when they're home, but when they leave for a little while, all you want to do is spend time with them. And then, when they come back, that need to spend time with them is just gone. It really gives a new meaning to that thing they say.
"You don't know what you have, until it's gone."
But then, I guess, when you get it back, you forget again. Will I ever start to remember? I hope so. I miss everybody so much. Summer's such a shitty time. All your friends leave, when you get back in town. Does it seem that way for everybody? Or just me?

Argumentalist

2008-06-24T00:15:00.003-06:00

The more you love somebody, the more arguments you seem to have. Have you noticed that ever? The more you like somebody, and the more you're best friends with somebody, or the more you're married to someone, the more you fight. If you're madly in love, you'll argue every day. If you loathe the very person you're with, you won't even bicker. It's ridiculous.
I guess though, with every argument comes more strength in the relationship, because you've gotten something established with that person-some kind of point has gotten across. Even if it takes more than one argument to fully understand that point.
Arguments are so repetitive sometimes, it's incredible. Have you noticed that? One day, it'll be the fact that they always take your CDs without asking, and the next week, it'll be the fact that they never ask before they take your CDs. It's always the same argument, just with synonyms.
Arguments may seem like a bad thing usually, but I wonder if without them, we could even have any relationships with anybody.

Better, Stronger, Smarter

2008-06-19T18:40:00.004-06:00

How can people just talk down to you so often? They have this whole idea that just because they're older than you, or more respected than you, that they can be as condescending as they want with no worries at all. How can they be so Hakuna Matata about it? It bothers me so much. It doesn't matter how much longer I've been doing something than them, or how much more knowledge I have-they're better, stronger, and smarter than me in their minds. It's ridiculous.
I could be a heart surgeon who went to school for eleven years, and they graduated from a grade twelve anatomy class, and they'd try to convince me that because they're older than me, they know more than I do. I hate people like that. And not only do they believe they're better than you, but they tell you how to do things, or when to do them. I just don't understand how people can do that. It's absurd. You'd think they'd realize how stupid they were being.
Oh well. Guess not.

Change

2008-06-16T22:09:00.006-06:00

What the heck do I know about how things work, or how they're supposed to work? I don't know anything at all. I'm so retarded. I'm brand new with this whole thing, maybe that's why I keep messing stuff up. I act like I'm all confident, and like I know how this is supposed to happen, but maybe, I just do that, 'cause I'm so fricken' scared that I'll mess everything up. I want to fall in love all over again, so I can feel that wondrous feeling without being so worried I'll stop being loved because I won't change.
I'm not ever changing. This, is as good as it gets. I'm me, me is like this. That's not changing. The way I am, is the way I am. That's never changing. My forgetfulness, the way I treat people, that's me. It's not changing, but if it needs to change so I'll keep on being loved, then I'm not going to keep being loved, because it's not changing. I'll stop being loved, and I'm sorry.

Odd Contentment

2008-05-22T19:46:00.006-06:00

Recently, somebody new came into my life. This person is now all I ever think about, and the only person I spend time with. Everything I do is for this person. This person makes me content. Now, because I'm content, I'm different. I hate contentment in a way. All my friends, and even my enemies ask me what's wrong now, because, I'm content, and different, only, they don't realize the content part. They just think I'm different for a reason that isn't good, however, the truth is, is that it's the most wonderful reason in the world.
I mean, if I had to choose one reason to change, or evolve into something new, you know, grow? I'd choose love. In my experience, when a person falls in love, they change. It could be in a good way, or a bad way, but they will change. Perhaps their interests will change, perhaps the things they enjoy doing will change. Perhaps their opinions on certain things will change. Nobody knows. They just, change.

Mr. Wyndham

2008-05-21T23:21:00.001-06:00

The Chrysalids, by John Wyndham, is fucked up. Seriously, that book is so messed. All these deviations, and crazy Tribulations. Anything with a physical difference is killed, or sent to The Fringes. It's mental. An extra finger - shot. Too long of an arm - sent away. Two different colour eyes - burned. And it isn't just people, it's animals, and plants. Anything living. A tree has odd branches - destroyed. A dog has only three legs - killed. It's ridiculous. It got me thinking though, I mean, if the world was actually like this crazy society that Mr. Wyndham created, how would we have half the things we have today?
I just don't understand how anything could live that way. It's so messed. Read the book though, it's good.